Writing Is Actually Complete Donkey

First you have to have the story idea in your mind. The thing about minds is that they work like complete assholes and often don’t know how to organize themselves. So now when you want to write out your brilliant idea, your mind decides to remind you of that one time you fell butt first on the floor of your standard 8 classroom in front of about a billion teenage eyes. So now here you are, pen at hand, flashed because you embarrassed yourself with a memory of your own self. You cuss out loud and decide to take your first coffee break.

You get up to go get a cup of coffee, which you drink, before getting back to writing. You manage to write about three sentences before you have to pee. Your thoughts are interrupted and there is a spider the size of the death star in the bathroom. Now you have to freak out and scream for help. You quickly remember that you live alone and have to face the giant spider like a woman. You get a slipper and the longest broom you can find and set the little bugger free, warning it that the next time it shows its weird face, there will be no mercy. By this time, you have to pee really badly and you ran straight to the loo. Oh, sweet relief!

The business is done and it is time to get back to your writing station. Something is amiss! You ae a creative, how dare you subject your mind to such a rigid working space? So you take your notebook and phone and head to the couch; your natural habitat. You write an entire paragraph! You are just full of good ideas aren’t you.

Your main character starts doing some weird shit. To add on to that, you now have to look up all the things that can kill a vampire as well as how to turn someone into one. You are pretty sure that a bite works but you have to be sure or someone will call you out on your bullshit as soon as you publish your story. Your go further and further down the vampire rabbit hole and now you know way too much about vampires. You have to tell someone. You text your sister “did you know the name “Vampire” comes from the Albanian Dhampir which means “to drink with teeth”?” She doesn’t reply. So, you text your boyfriend the same thing, and then your brother. None of them are available. You decide to text the one person who is online. You know it is a bad idea but what is life without texts. You tell her “Mom, did you know the name “Vampire” comes from the Albanian Dhampir which means “to drink with teeth”?” The phone call comes immediately. Now you have to explain to her that you aren’t worshiping the devil. She hangs up but you quickly learn that she did not believe you when she sends you a prayer “meme”. You sigh.

It is time to get back to your story. Now nothing can distract you. Not even your phone dinging with numerous messages. You write and write. You are entranced in the story. Your character dies, he comes back to life. The tears of his lover save him. He is human again. He walks out to the sun. He feels it. They dance. Time passes. They now have children. Your story is coming to an end. But wait, is one of their children a vampire? Is it genetic? You gasp, shocked by your own genius. “Damn I’m good!” you end the story. After all what is better than a cliffhanger. You post it online, promising the rest of the story for next week. You never write it.



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