I was the under-achieving first born among three other children and I had to grow up constantly being told by each teacher to be more like my brother or my sister. It takes a toll. I learned to embrace never being good enough. I wore it like an amour. I learned to take the “lazy and disorganized” notes on my report cards with a very meh attitude because if I took it seriously then I would have to change who I was and that was just not acceptable.
Recently I realized that this attitude had carried on into my adult life. I like it when relatives expect nothing from me while at the same time constantly asking my sister for help (usually financial). People just assume I have nothing to offer. Sometimes I’m hurt but then I catch myself in this moments and remember that I do not want the expectations of the world in my shoulders. It’s good to be the family fuck up. I can do whatever I want.
I’m allowed to be the creative that thinks she can become some famous author someday. Nobody reminds you that dreams are fickle and often ill-informed because… It’s only Grace, what does it matter. I’m allowed to say I don’t have money to attend a family event because nobody expected anything different. I’m allowed to spend my life being the best version of my antisocial creative self. There is freedom in being a fuck up and embracing this freedom, I believe, is the key to success. Of course I can’t exactly prove this theory. After all I’m just the girl that reads books and drinks smoothies. You probably shouldn’t listen to me.